octoboreal

60 to zero

Mon, 15 Oct 2007 01:14:15 GMT

Had a really awesome morning today. I was up early (6ish). Messed around with some stuff online then went to go get breakfast before work. First I tried The Egg & I, but it was packed with a huge line (it being Sunday morning). I decided to walk down to Sunny Side Up to see if conditions were better there. I was a block away and could already see the line of people huddled outside. Who waits half an hour in October weather to get eggs? I was feeling really frustrated about the whole breakfast thing because it just sounded so right. But I resigned myself to no breakfast and started walking back to Toppers. As I passed the Herkimer, I glanced into the window and saw breakfast food. An option I hadn't even thought of. So I went in and took a seat. My waiter was pretty lousy, all things considered. First he tended to mutter a bit. A couple times I had to ask him to repeat something he'd said. He mentioned something about a "Packers special" and I noticed that I was the only one in the very full bar not wearing green and gold. When he came back to bring my beer (a nice red something or other) he asked "do you need a few minutes to wait for other people to show up?" and I told him "no, it's just me". He looked like I had just told him I was a leper after I'd been gnawing on him ear all night. Like getting breakfast by yourself was a crime. I moved right past that and onto ordering two eggs over easy, wheat toast, hash browns and sausage (patties). He asked specifically what kind of sausage I wanted and I told him specifically. So of course I got links. None of this deterred me from my stated course however. I drank my beer and read a City Pages article about hookah bars closing due to the smoking ban. It was interesting in "huh" kind of way. My food arrived and I devoured it. When I was finishing the last of my hash browns a reasonably unattractive woman came over to ask if I was leaving soon. I looked around and noticed that the place was fairly packed and some people were waiting for tables. Clearly, the waiter's disgust at my solitaire approach to dining had something to due with this situation. I told her that I'd be out of there in a few minutes, once I'd finished my beer and paid. As I was doing the latter and signing the bill, her equally unattractive male friends were already staking out my table with their drinks and trying to make themselves comfortable without making eye contact with the leper. I left feeling quite cheerful despite these characters. A beer and some breakfast will do that.

I had a cigarette on my way from Herkimer to Toppers (I walked extremely slowly). Then went in, and found that only Brittany was there. Not particularly surprising since this is how it usually is when I come in at this hour. She seemed pretty flustered so I just went straight to the back and starting getting myself together for the making of the dough. I checked the walk-in and found to my delight that we had tons of dough and sauce. I needed to do six bins of cheese, but that's normal. I reasoned it wouldn't take me more than a few hours to get out of there. After about half an hour of making cheese in silence I remembered that I'd brought CDs with me to listen to (having exhausted the usefulness of the horribly scuffed disc piles of Toppers). I put in disc 1 of Devo's 'Pioneers Who Got Scalped' album and continued to shred cheese with an industrial appliance. About 15 minutes after I arrived, Shaleen came in the back and I realized that despite the numerous things Brittany had been making up front I hadn't seen a driver yet. It turned out this was because Aaron had called in sick or somesuch and Shaleen couldn't get there until 11:30 or so (hence Brittany's flusteredness). Shaleen grabbed a couple orders and headed for the back door. Before she was quite out of it she asked "is this your CD?". I said "yup" and nodded (this one word being the only one I spoke through my entire shift). She said "I like it!" in a way which is was cheerful enough to be very not-Shaleen. I have a growing suspicion that she's trying to flirt with me in the most basic fashion. Like in the same way that protons and electrons "flirt". I feel the same degree of flattery from it that the electron does, I imagine.

Anyway, I finished my dough shift without another word passing between myself and either of the other people working at the time. I moved from Devo to Elastica (the self-titled album) and then, for the cleaning process, my ace in the hole - the Josie and the Pussycats soundtrack. As entertaining as it was today, I can't wait to break it out on Pete and Chuck. Can your rockabilly and smooth jazz stand in the face of the Pussycats? It can not, I say! Socks will be rocked off.

My bus ride home was uneventful except for two things - one, there seems to be a growing number of black teenagers who are okay with talking about themselves or people they know being gay (and not in a derogatory manner). Twice in three days I've heard black kids either talking about coming out or talking about gay friends of theirs. Maybe I just happened to pick the only two buses that was happening on in the entire city, who knows. Secondly, there was a couple sitting in front of me on the way from Uptown towards Midtown this afternoon. The guy looked like me in that he had glasses, was wearing a similar coat and was definitely Jewish. The girl looked like Sarah Klein in the same way that Christina Aguilera c1998 looked like Christina Aguilera c2002 - a firehose and to remove the thick layer of whore was would be required. I overheard some of their conversation at one point the girl asked the guy if he'd ever seen Dune. He said he'd seen "the old one" and he "kinda liked it" which is Minnesotan Jew for "I vaguely know what movie you're talking about, haven't seen it and dislike the genre intensely". He asked her jokingly if she was into sci-fi. It struck me as odd, because knowing whether someone is into sci-fi would be something that happens before the holding-hands-on-the-bus stage of a relationship for me. I knew their relationship was both recently formed and ultimately doomed when she said "yeah kind of, I like some stuff here and there" (which is Minnesotan Jew for "I am a huge sci-fi geek") and for a moment, a mixture of confusion and revulsion washed over his face. Then they got distracted by some kids with snare drums. Some day, whether it's next week or a year from now, they're going to be looking back on the relationship and wondering where it went wrong. And I know where. On the 21. On Arakis. Dune. Desert planet.

Meme!

Sun, 23 Sep 2007 21:15:37 GMT

1. Do you have a tattoo?
2. How old are you?
3. Are you single or taken?
4. Eat with your hands or utensils?
5. Do you dream at night?
6. Ever seen a corpse?
7. George Strait or Jay Z?
8. How did we meet?
9. What's your philosophy on life and death?
10. If you could do anything with me, and have no one know, what would it be?
11. Do you trust the police?
12. Do you like Country music?
13. What is your fondest memory of me?
14. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?
15. Would you cheat?
16. What do you wear to sleep?
17. Have you ever peed in a pool?
18. Would you hide evidence for me if I asked you to?
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
20. Which do you prefer - short or long hair?
21. Do you sing in the shower?
22. What's your favorite color?
23. If you could bring back anyone that has passed, who would it be?
24. Tell me one interesting/odd fact about you?
25. What was your first impression of me?
26. Have you ever done drugs?
27. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 12:17:38 GMT

Intro - I just wrote this forum post on the official game forums for Magic Online. It was in response to someone questioning the validity of the policy whereby a player who is idle during a tournament game for 10 minutes loses the game automatically and if they lose a tournament match (which are played best two of three games typically) in this manner, they are immediately dropped from the tournament (normally, with the Swiss Draw tournament format, you can continue playing - with a reduced chance of winning the whole tournament, but a chance all the same). There is frequently some debate about this policy as it can cause people who are disconnected from the internet temporarily to be dropped from a tournament in which they were doing very well. My response outlines my views on the issue (and many others) and I thought I would post it here (even though nobody actually reads this - but some day someone might) because I consider it to be a very good piece of writing. Even if it's on a subject which almost everyone - all but one or two of my friends even - doesn't understand or care about. Hence the primer on the discussion and not just a copy/paste of my forum post. Before I get to the actual post (it's down there somewhere) I also want to explain a bit about how I'm viewed on the Magic Online forums and how the forums operate - and why it's important to me.

My presence on the Magic Online forums is great (in the same way the great wall of China is "great"). I don't play Magic Online anymore (having sold all of my cards to pay bills - and having more important things to spend the money I do get on), but I remain a frequent contributor to the boards (though I did take an extended break of about six months when I started playing World of Warcraft - it simply ate up all of the game-related thought processes I had available and would not allow any other games to share my brain). The Magic Online General forum is widely regarded as being one of the bright spots of the Wizards of the Coast forum structure (which is expansive, including the official forums for Magic: the Gathering and Dungeons and Dragons, with thousands upon thousands of posts every day). As with any internet forum, there's a great deal of posting there which deals with issues in a very thoughtless way. But there are also a great many people who care about the game and are involved with the game so as to produce very stimulating and productive conversations about company policy and the state of the game.

I've been posting to the forum since early 2003, and have gained a few reputations;

~ I'm viewed by a vocal minority as being a Wizards of the Coast apologist at best and shill at worst. My explanation of how I feel about these labels can be found at the very end of this LJ post.
~ I'm known for posting incredibly long posts which are engaging throughout and really explore the depths of the issue.
~ I'm regarded as one of the best Devil's Advocates on the forum, with an ability to argue any side of any issue to achieve a greater understanding of the complaints and the issue itself for the readers of the forum.
~ I'm certainly regarded as arrogant, believing that my opinion on all matters is, while not more important or always the most accurate, always worth noting. I believe that my experience and comprehensive knowledge of the issues and my great degree of skill in arguing effectively (whether to make a point or refute one) qualifies me as something of a pundit. When there are issues regarding game or company policy, community relations or any other largely theoretical and cerebral issue, I always have an opinion which will be expressed effectively and which will always be relevant and well researched.
~ And lastly, of course, I'm known for carrying on arguments for years on end. Some of my arguments of policy with a few other people with my capacity for argument - but opposed views - have cropped up in dozens of threads about related issues over the course of the past four years. When I find someone to debate an issue with who is as good at is as I am and who has a good enough memory (as I do) for being able to carry on a conversation a few paragraphs (or a few pages for the really interesting stuff) a month over the course of years, we tend to engage in the debate whenever possible.
~ While I have on some rare occasions been extremely rude if the situation demanded a response of that kind in order to prove a point (the media is the message), I am known to be polite and urbane. I argue things in the way that they should be argued. I don't engage in flame wars, I don't break the rules of the forum and I don't dismiss my principles when it suits my purposes. This reputation, more than any other, I am proud of.

The Magic Online forums are one of my favorite games in the world. The two main reasons I continue to post on the forums despite not playing the game that is being discussed are that I honestly care about the health of the game on behalf of other players whether I know them or not, and because I enjoy the thrill of it. I enjoy arguing and outsmarting, outresearching, outwriting and even outlasting people who have the same level of argumentative skill that I have. Magic is a thinking game which helps to keep your mind sharp. Thinking about endless complications and possibilities and trying to plan strategy around them requires a great deal of concentration and intuition. If Magic is a thinking game, then the Magic Online forums are the thinking person's thinking game. The stakes are merely the good, warm feeling of knowing you got your point across and the pride you feel when you change someone's mind. Winning the game is impossible. It continues forever, constantly challenging you to be the master of your skills. It rewards experience, intelligence, dedication and raw talent, and the most basic facts of "the game" greatly reduce the number of "players" who are unqualified. People who are are not, on some level, interested in the issues and willing and able to debate them do not frequent the message boards. Forum trolls come and go over time. They'll try to insert themselves into discussions with the intent of getting their point across by any means necessary and with a complete dismissal of opposing views, and very quickly they leave the forums because only those who really care and really try are able to play "the game". With the information I've written here, I think most people would be able to look at the Magic Online forums and identify those people who play "the game" and those who just don't get it.

Wizards of the Coast employs a Community Liason. His job is to bridge the gap between the company and the people who play Magic Online. And although a largely text-driven online game like Magic Online is the perfect place to engage in real-time discussions with the community, he spends most of his time talking to the people on the Magic Online forums. Our opinions and discussions are listened to eagerly. Our expertise is recognized by the company without a doubt. When Wizards decided to hire a Community Liason, they went to the forum and asked us what we wanted from the person who would get the position. The job description was greatly influenced by the things that the beebers (as the posters to the Magic Online General forum are known - an extrapolation from the fact that in Magic Online itself most can be found congregating in a room called 'bbs', a fairly clear statement about the internet track records of the kind of people who are fixtures on the forum) found to be important. Through the opinions expressed and discussed on the Magic Online forum, people have gotten new jobs and people have lost their jobs. Wizards of the Coast has spent millions of dollars moving Magic Online in the direction it's going greatly because the minds of the Forum find it to be the best course of action (or at least enough of them to represent a cohesive voice regardless of dissenters). I am proud to be a part of the Magic Online Forum community. The service I'm performing is important to very few. The glory of my victories on the forum are known only to a very small group of people, none of whom I've ever spoken to outside the internet. I have spent countless hours and a great deal of energy becoming an important part of something which the society at large would view as completely pointless, and which is viewed as pointless even by many who are very close to the issues that are being discussed. I receive no tangible benefit from my efforts and I have earned as many sworn enemies as I have true believers. I was never on a debate team. But debate has always been a big part of my life and one of the talents I'm most proud of. I realize that talents like these could be bent towards much greater purposes. I don't want to go all Ben Parker and say "with great power comes great responsibility" here, either. Arguing well is not a super power. It ranks only slightly ahead of the mighty powers of the Waffler. But there are things that I could do with the skills I have that would be useful to many people in the same way that my commentary on the policy and community Magic Online is useful to the players of Magic Online. It may be just a selfish streak that I apply my talents only in a place which appeals to the gamer in me rather than to the ethicist or humanitarian in me. But it's a choice that I'm comfortable with. For the same reasons that I am comfortable having half a college degree and making pizza for a living at an age when people of my ability and social class are expected to moving out into the world and doing great things. My personal ethics place a great deal of importance on attention being paid commensurate to desire. Not on those things being more important than other concerns, but simply a way of always keeping those desires in the back of my mind. I do this in order to ensure that I don't lose track of what I want and I that I continue to believe in the reality, possibility and generally the correctness of the things I what I want. I'm not sure if it works to include "sticking to your principles no matter what" in a list of your principles, but I do. This principle ensuring that I maintain some focus on my desires at all times combined with my adherence to my principles at all costs is designed to ensure that I never fall prey to what I have in the past - an erosion of my desires until I convince myself that the things someone else wants are the things I want in order to attain some lesser desire. I didn't intend to get away from Magic Online, but there it is. In any case, these principles are what make me such an asset to the Forum (and I dare say to Magic Online itself) and why something which is viewed as so trivial as Magic Online policy and community can hold my interest and not be usurped by a need to apply the strength of my convictions to problems of the "real world".

~~~

The reason that it's good that people are dropped immediately upon timeout is that it makes a timeout loss impossible to use against someone badly. Like say instead of your opponent honestly getting disconnected he was just a jerk who wanted to make you wait after it was clear that he was going to lose the match. If things weren't in place the way they are now, then he could cause the match to drag onwards for 10 minutes (or more, by occasionally clicking something) knowing that after he lost the match due to disconnect, he would be able to continue as though nothing were the matter.

Now, someone's going to say "well, this doesn't stop people from doing that anyway and just conceding with 15 seconds left on the clock". And it's true, it doesn't prevent that. But it makes it harder to drag a game out maliciously. If you get dropped upon disconnect loss, then you can't just leave the computer and go do something else. If you want to maintain your place in the tournament, you need to be at the computer. And people are a lot less willing to do this sort of thing if they have to sit there for 10 minutes (or at least that they have to come back to the computer in 10 minutes). In the casual rooms and in single elimination tournaments like 8-man queues, people disconnect and cause timeouts maliciously because they don't have anything further to gain from the tournament. Once you lose that round of the draft, the draft is over for you. So it doesn't matter if you're online or not. And in casual, it's even more of the same. Nothing happens at all by disconnecting in a casual game except that the opponent gets annoyed - which is obviously the intention of these people.

Obviously, the disconnect loss = dropped from tournament is made to prevent people from entering a tournament, going 0-1 and then just turning off their computer and clogging up the tournament for the next four or more rounds. Anyone can imagine what it would be like if this were not the case. PEs would feature a dozen matches where neither player is connected and whoever wins the die roll loses the match after time has elapsed. People would even use this as a way to gamble their ratings up. If you went 0-2 you could just stay in for the next three rounds and hope to lose coinflips and get rating points. The policy is sound, and I don't think many people can legitimately question that. The implementation that's being discussed in this thread is slightly more subtle and shows the same footprints as much of the rest of Magic Online policy - harsh punishments for seemingly minor infractions (at least - it seems that way to some) used as a way of preventing the behavior. If the punishment for swearing was that you got an Adept saying "don't do that", or muting you for half an hour and that was it, swearing would be extremely prevalent. Because people would know that the worst that can happen is that you get muted for half an hour. But people know that with the way punishments increase over time, if they persist in the behavior, they can lose their account. Now, this isn't a hindrance to some who don't care about their accounts, but they are the minority.

Most people do not follow the rules of Magic Online because they believe the rules to be right or they respect the intention of them. They obey them because when you do something wrong, the Adept sends you a warning that includes some line about it potentially leading to the loss of your account. And people listen to that. Muting is a virtual punishment. If you told someone on the street that you were being punished in an online game and that you couldn't talk for half an hour and that you think that sucks, they'd probably tell you that of all the problems you could have in the world, that one is really really low on the priority list of complaints. However, if you tell someone that you've put hundreds or thousands of dollars into a hobby and it got wiped out, then people respect that as a strong punishment. Even if it's just money and it's just a hobby, that's something that just about everyone can respect as a strong punishment. Unless you live a monastic life and don't believe in currency, in which case it's reasonably unlikely that you play Magic Online.

So because people do what they do and don't do what they don't do in order to avoid punishment, the punishments need to be kept strong. People will break rules they find inconvenient right up to the point where the punishments are more inconvenient than the rules themselves. Somewhere in the mind of a Magic Player chatting in casual casual, a synapse is firing where the person wants to say something which will require action on the part of an Adept. And in an instant that person's mind makes the choice between the importance of that action versus the inconvenience of the punishment.

It may seem like a system which is somewhat totalitarian in outlook, but I also believe it is the most effective model for an online community (be it a game like Magic Online, these boards or whatever). Look at a game like World of Warcraft. People swear constantly. They say things that are very offensive. They do things just to **** people off which are against the rules. And they do them because they know that the chances of them being punished in any way that might inconvenience them are relatively small. In Magic Online there are Adepts in the busy rooms monitoring the chat. When you say something bad in a room with an Adept, it will get caught almost all the time. And you'll be punished. Nobody has to take the time to report you to an Adept. They are there. They are watching. And they take action. This model is unfortunately not feasible for a game like World of Warcraft. There are simply too many players talking in too many channels and doing too many things to be jerks that it's impossible to monitor everything. So they rely on players to report things. And the jerks who do bad things rely on the fact that with relatively minor punishments, the person who might report them doesn't feel it's worth their time (I know I don't bother reporting minor things, even if they offend me - waiting an hour for a GM to contact me just so I can tell them that ElfGuy said something about my mother is not how I want to spend my time and I'm mature enough to let it slide off my back anyway).

The reason that Blizzard's policies are the way they are is both because of the logistical problem and because they don't want to offend customers and lose their money. Now, people talk about game companies being money grubbers a lot. And most of it is groundless (like 99% of what is said about Wizards of the Coast). One of the reasons I defend WotC when I do (or, as some would say, always do ) is because I respect their ethical commitment to the game. The things which the company does not find appropriate will not be tolerated, even if it causes a reduction in income. Now, conversely, the company line on this is that a more friendly playing environment attracts new players, that's not the whole story.

The early days of Magic Online are fraught with times when seemingly corporate demands overran the best interest of the game and the community. Things like 2.0's unreadiness come to mind or the hiring of certain personnel who didn't care about the game just because they were available (a certain writer whom I've already complained about too many times comes to mind). That is changing. Although 3.0 has been fraught with setbacks, the company's commitment to "getting it right" before release is refreshing. It's frustrating that they haven't "gotten it right" yet, but the statement of purpose itself lends to the happiness I feel with having given so much money (and time - writing doctrines about ethics and policy of Magic Online doesn't happen in a couple minutes). Recent hires and assignments to the game (and by recent I mean the past year or so) show promise in that the commitment to "get it right" is holding. People are being hired who do their jobs right, not just people who do their jobs in a way which is pleasing to the corporate interests of the company).

I seriously didn't mean to theadjack with an Ith Special. But there it is. If you're reading this after being flabbergasted by the length of the post and skipping to the end to find out what the hell I'm talking about, I advise you to go back and read it if you're interested in commentary on ethics and Magic Online policy. This isn't Ith to the Aether #3, but hey it's something.

~~~

In another thread shortly after I wrote this, I wrote something which I feel sums up my views towards Wizards of the Coast and Magic: the Gathering in areas of policy quite perfectly - something I've been unable to do for the past thirteen years. So, it also will be preserved here and maybe someday appreciated.

Regardless of what I could get out of it one way or another, the policies which maintain or work towards an improvement in the health of the game best will always have my support.

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 07:25:31 GMT

There are a number different kinds of "tired". There's when you haven't slept and your body needs it. There's when you're so bored that sleep is the most entertaining option available to you. There's the kind where it's so hot or so cold out that you need to hibernate. And there's the kind where you're so exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally that sleep is the only option - but always the hardest thing to achieve. Different kinds of "tired" border closely on different kinds of emotions. When you've had a long and productive day and you're ready to sleep, the tiredness is very close to contentment. When you're exhausted like this, the only nearby emotion seems to be horror. Not fear or worry or paranoia, but horror.

Horror is an odd sensation. Because while fear is fleeting, horror lingers. Fear is accompanied by increased alertness and adrenaline rush, to allow you to react more quickly to the source of the fear. But the source of horror is always more vague. More diluted. It comes from all directions and because it surrounds you, you are cognizant on some level that escape is impossible. Horror is accompanied by resignation to fate. And I know all about resignation to fate. The reaction to horror is frequently depicted in fiction as being stark defiance of the environment. Victims of horror rebel against it and overcome incredible odds to beat back the darkness. Because that's a good story. There's certainly characters who are overcome by their horror, but these tragedies are usually reserved for supporting players. I never really saw myself as a supporting player, but the kind of stark defiance that needs summoning just isn't in me.

When you aren't used to working, it's hard to gather the strength to do so. I think I've done that quite well. But something had to give, and it's my defense against this horror. It's the kind of thing that's always in my periphery. Even at my best I'm never unaware of its presence. But I know how to deal with it. I keep it at bay. I don't let it get in the way of the things I have to do, or at least the things I want to do. But that takes effort. It takes the effort to wake up in the morning when you are raw and unguarded, examine the horror around you and dismiss it. When you don't have the strength to do that anymore, that's when trouble starts.

Keeping horror in check is mostly just a matter of strength of will. It's not about logical examination of the problems, because that won't work. When the horror seems to come from every direction, it's impossible to fight it with logic on all fronts. Eventually you run out of ways to rationalize. So the only option is to simply tell yourself that you're strong enough. That you're capable enough. That although things may be horrible, you can take it. It's important not to tell yourself that "things will get better". Because although that works well in the short term, your mind gathers up every time that's been said and reanalyzes the information frequently. At least mine does. I remember all the times people have said things like "This past summer/winter/fall/spring/year/week/whatever was awful, but things will be alright now". And I can't help but to see where the fault lays in those statements. The worst thing about having a quick mind is that your ability to analyze evidence of that sort is very well developed.

Prevention is the cure. When you wake up every morning and feel that familiar sensation that makes you want to close your eyes again, but you're able to keep them open by telling yourself that there are things worth opening them for and that you will not be defeated the other things, then you have the first step. It doesn't end though. At no point can you stop telling yourself that. And you have to do more than just say it. You have to know it. All people are capable of convincing themselves of things. Whether it's convincing yourself that a lie is the truth because you don't want to admit to it or because you need to convince yourself that things are the way you want them to be when they aren't or many other reasons, convincing ourselves is something humans are very good at. When terrible things happen in the world, people are content with their inaction because they convince themselves that there's nothing they can do to help. Without this ability, the weight of guilt for awful circumstances the world over would have long since crushed us all down. In order to maintain defense against horror you must convince yourself that you are strong enough to live through it. And by doing so, you will be. People are able to walk on hot coals not because their feet are immune to the fire but because they've convinced themselves that they are.

When that defense fails, the results are not a slow trickle. It's impossible to hang onto shreds of self confidence when you lose one piece of the puzzle. It's a house of cards. Remove one piece and the rest fall. It's very difficult to create any kind of backup. As the threads fall away, it weakens all of the others. One day you can be confident in your ability to handle any kind of awful circumstance and the next you're worried about the most minor problems destroying you. And the only option is to build yourself back up again.

Horror is not depression. The processes are similar in some respects, but it's not the same thing. Depression is often focused and also more complete in its devastation. When you are firmly depressed, there is no joy in anything. Horror doesn't work like that. In the depths of horror, it's still possible to be productive and sometimes to enjoy things. Horror is more insidious. It allows you small pleasures but taints them. You can be happy about something, but that event will quickly become a nest for more horror. Your memories of joy will be amplified and fused with feelings of uncertainty and guilt. Memories you once prized become ugly and hurtful to recall. When you're depressed it's hard to remember what it's like to be happy. When you're horrified, that memory is very fresh and very bright. And very painful.

Horror also has a strange effect on your desires. When you're depressed, you don't want much other than to be left alone (or to have the source of your depression removed, whether it's real or otherwise). But when horror surrounds you, you feel intense desire for the little things that can solve each of the small problems that plague you, amplified as they are by the horror. Cravings and desires feel stronger than what most well balanced people would call a "dire need". If it seems like it could solve a problem, you lash out for it like a life preserver. Whether its a physical need like a good meal or a warm shower, something more emotional like a feeling of closeness to someone you love or something more cerebral like truth, desire overcomes you.

The things I need to do will still get done. The things I should enjoy will still be enjoyed. And everything will feel like a raw nerve for a while. And I'll endure it. Because I can. Because I have no other choice. I said that it was very difficult to create a backup. It is not impossible. A backup is what I'm relying on. I feel like I've fallen off a tall building and caught myself on a ledge, halfway down. I'm existing in this strange sensation of everything being horrible but with enough memory of what it feels like to be certain that it hasn't taken over completely. It's not a good place to be in. I'm not happy. I'm frightened. My mind has been playing tricks on me for days, now. The most subtle of moves in the wrong direction tears at me. Little things which I'm usually able to brush aside hit me in the chest like a cinder block.